Here I sit nearly a year since my last post sipping on a sweat tea and vodka while most of the population is at a midnight showing of the last Harry Potter film. Oh, but no, this posting has nothing to do with wizards or broom sticks. No, I'm here to reflect on the last 11 months of my life. What have I done in that time? Anything worth mentioning? Most likely not but I'll still move on with sharing my thoughts.
2011 started out pretty good, and it's still up there in "good" years. For sure it's had it's ups and downs, but then again, if it didn't then what would the point be in living? What's been so good then you are asking yourself? Well, let me think.
I did start the year off with a job. I went to many fun and crazy parties. I went to Solvang for the first time and my first casino. I got to see Ke$ha in concert twice! I spent 3 weeks in Arizona and started making plans to move there in hopefully a years time. I spent the 4th of July with my family poolside and drunk. I've learned who my true friends are, in this time of my life. I'm currently waiting to go see Owl City next week.
That might not seem like a lot, and I suppose it's not, but the drama has been minimal and I seem to be getting along with everyone really well. My overall feelings of annoyance and disgust with the world has been minimal. Oh, believe me, it's still there, just not as intense. No, we still haven't moved out of our small apartment and we're all still on top of each other everyday, ready to snap each others necks, but we're dealing. The girls getting older, soon to be 14. No, I still haven't found love, but I'm alright with that.
People are still making remarks that irritate me, but it's only human to not agree with everything everyone says. It's human to be different, and I love that. I'm pretty much happy with myself and my life. All I can ask is for you to be happy for me.
I'm currently looking for work but I haven't found anything yet. I know something is out there and it'll find me when the time is right. For now I'm doing a lot of work on me. No, I'm not working out everyday and trying to lose weight, but I'm working on the emotional side of me. I'm trying to find and keep confidence in myself. Some people just know the right thing to say to beat me back down to square one but I'm working on not letting what people say affect me. I'm doing my best and that's all I can be expected to do. I'm not you, my 100% isn't your 100%. I'm pretty much grateful for everyday I wake up.
If I can help just one person feel better about them-self, then my job is done. I matter to me, but not as much as my friends and family matter to me. My life is already pretty much screwed, so if I can help anyone be happy or able to keep moving on, then I'm alright.
I hope to see you on the light side.
-Eric
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Thursday, August 19, 2010
You opened my eyes
I don't hate you, I have no hard feelings toward you, I don't even wanna stab you in the eye. I feel better now that I know the truth. It was like you had my mind closed off to the world. I've never felt more stupid but alive then when I talked to you. I'm glad one of use was able to find... "Love" if that's what you are calling it. I honestly believe that there is something else out there for you, but I understand you want something, NOW... You are the type of person that can have it now too, so grab it. I wish you all the luck with your future. Hope you have that true happiness. I worry for you though, you are so young, in my opinion. At this time in life YOU are the most important thing to worry about. Love will come and destroy you, but this is a blog telling you good luck and to be happy. You've taught me new things and reopened my eyes to others. I'll be fine. I've made it THIS long and I'm, for the most part, a happy person. No hard feelings! Go on with your life now. Bye.
Here, but not forever.
-Eric
Here, but not forever.
-Eric
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Ready, set, GO...?
Ever feel like you are at the starting line of a race, the gun goes off and everyone starts to go... but you stay behind? That's how I feel.
With a few things in life, getting a job, losing weight, I just don't feel like I can get past the start, everyone else is miles ahead of and keep moving forward. It's all probably in my head and I am holding myself back, but it isn't easy to start anything. It is the hardest part, just getting started. I'm great with most things once I get past the beginning. Suppose this is just something I need to work on.
Here for you,
Eric
With a few things in life, getting a job, losing weight, I just don't feel like I can get past the start, everyone else is miles ahead of and keep moving forward. It's all probably in my head and I am holding myself back, but it isn't easy to start anything. It is the hardest part, just getting started. I'm great with most things once I get past the beginning. Suppose this is just something I need to work on.
Here for you,
Eric
Thursday, August 5, 2010
That dark hole of hopelessness
This is the time when I would be laying in my bed listening to music with dim lighting just staring at the walls of my room. Oh yeah, I can't do that though. I don't have my own room let alone a minute of privacy or time to myself living here. What has me so down you may be asking and why don't I just vlog all of this? Well, I can't vlog it, like I said, no privacy and a few things have me feeling this way.
Let's start with my 'life' situation.
It's now been a year to the day that I quite my job to move to Maryland. What a stupid mistake. At the time it was the best thing ever, but now that I am living back in California and went through 3Grand, I see how horrible of an Idea it was to move all the way to the East Coast. I miss it there, it was beautiful, the people were so nice, but it was never going to be home, it could never come close to Los Angeles. Now, here I sit, a year later, still jobless, poor and living off my mom. Now, in most cases or even a few years back, this woulda been fine, but my mom has been sick and off work most of the past year and half... That means less money and of course we have the girls to take care of, so I can't get money all the time as if I was the only kid here... but that's a WHOLE other story and I haven't been the only child for 8 years now.
This brings me to my next point though.
Because I gave up my job and have been unable to find a new one, both because jobs are hard to find right now and because I have no confidence in myself and my ability to keep a job once I got one, I have no money of my own. So, going out with my friends means I don't eat, drink or do the activity with everyone. Well, I do have great friends that don't mind paying for me, and I think that's wonderful, I love them for that. I feel like such a mooch and piece of shit for it though. And though they say they don't mind I know they have to get annoyed with it, I get annoyed with it. They say it's okay and that they want me to be able to hang out with them, but little comments here and there kinda indicate to me that they don't really like having to pay for me ALL the time. Sorry I haven't found a job yet and that my mom can't give me enough money for things, all the time. If I could change it all I would. If I could go back to last August and never move away, I would. That would suck for my closest friend though. She got my old job and it's been so good for her, more money and great experience, so, that's a plus right? I think so. She needed it more then me, but now here I stand. Jobless. Scum feeling. I just wonder what people REALLY say about me when I'm not around. I know they have to say something. We ALL do it, talk about people in our lives when they aren't around. I'm not saying it's all bad talk either, just talk about them in general. I just feel like the biggest loser right now. I'm just staying home. Not going anywhere. Not seeing anyone. I can't afford it. I've been on the go so much the past 10 months anyways, I could use a week or so at home.
Why are my friends angry at me then?
I don't know if they really are upset with me or not, but it's not like I'm avoiding them, I'm still talking to them. I'm just not in the mood to see them. If you are my friend, you would understand, right? Thanks. Don't get upset with me and assume things then, and maybe you aren't, but I'm kinda fragile right now and the littlest thing is kind of going to break me down. Just knowing that you ARE there for me is all I need. If I needed you I would call you, for sure. I just need a good, deep conversation with someone who is going to be completely non-judgmental and just listen to me. I'm so grateful for the people like that, that I do have. I sure know it ain't the boys who say they 'care.'
Boy, men, guys... Whatever you call them, they are all assholes.
They might act great at some point but then they turn all stupid. You have to dig through a pile of stupid to find the winner at the bottom. I need that one, the winner. I need the boy that will love me and listen to me no matter what time of night it is. The boy that lives close enough that if I want to see them, I can. That boy that won't judge me for over reacting to something small and could care less what I look like. Where is he? All the boys I've found lately have all turned into drama, except one, but I don't know how to feel about him, that's seriously complicated. I've never been this emotional or stupid over boys before. I hate it.
In general, what's with all the fake lately people?
So many people I know in my life have been showing a side of fake here and there. I don't like it. Maybe it's not even fake it's just stupid and I feel like saying "WTF" to these people. I know them better then that, I don't understand why they are acting so stupid.
Bleh. That's what's on my mind right now. Maybe it's dumb to you or maybe I am just acting fucking stupid myself, but I really don't think there is anyone out there right now that really understands what's going on in my head right now. (How cliche was that?)
Confused and lost
-Eric
Let's start with my 'life' situation.
It's now been a year to the day that I quite my job to move to Maryland. What a stupid mistake. At the time it was the best thing ever, but now that I am living back in California and went through 3Grand, I see how horrible of an Idea it was to move all the way to the East Coast. I miss it there, it was beautiful, the people were so nice, but it was never going to be home, it could never come close to Los Angeles. Now, here I sit, a year later, still jobless, poor and living off my mom. Now, in most cases or even a few years back, this woulda been fine, but my mom has been sick and off work most of the past year and half... That means less money and of course we have the girls to take care of, so I can't get money all the time as if I was the only kid here... but that's a WHOLE other story and I haven't been the only child for 8 years now.
This brings me to my next point though.
Because I gave up my job and have been unable to find a new one, both because jobs are hard to find right now and because I have no confidence in myself and my ability to keep a job once I got one, I have no money of my own. So, going out with my friends means I don't eat, drink or do the activity with everyone. Well, I do have great friends that don't mind paying for me, and I think that's wonderful, I love them for that. I feel like such a mooch and piece of shit for it though. And though they say they don't mind I know they have to get annoyed with it, I get annoyed with it. They say it's okay and that they want me to be able to hang out with them, but little comments here and there kinda indicate to me that they don't really like having to pay for me ALL the time. Sorry I haven't found a job yet and that my mom can't give me enough money for things, all the time. If I could change it all I would. If I could go back to last August and never move away, I would. That would suck for my closest friend though. She got my old job and it's been so good for her, more money and great experience, so, that's a plus right? I think so. She needed it more then me, but now here I stand. Jobless. Scum feeling. I just wonder what people REALLY say about me when I'm not around. I know they have to say something. We ALL do it, talk about people in our lives when they aren't around. I'm not saying it's all bad talk either, just talk about them in general. I just feel like the biggest loser right now. I'm just staying home. Not going anywhere. Not seeing anyone. I can't afford it. I've been on the go so much the past 10 months anyways, I could use a week or so at home.
Why are my friends angry at me then?
I don't know if they really are upset with me or not, but it's not like I'm avoiding them, I'm still talking to them. I'm just not in the mood to see them. If you are my friend, you would understand, right? Thanks. Don't get upset with me and assume things then, and maybe you aren't, but I'm kinda fragile right now and the littlest thing is kind of going to break me down. Just knowing that you ARE there for me is all I need. If I needed you I would call you, for sure. I just need a good, deep conversation with someone who is going to be completely non-judgmental and just listen to me. I'm so grateful for the people like that, that I do have. I sure know it ain't the boys who say they 'care.'
Boy, men, guys... Whatever you call them, they are all assholes.
They might act great at some point but then they turn all stupid. You have to dig through a pile of stupid to find the winner at the bottom. I need that one, the winner. I need the boy that will love me and listen to me no matter what time of night it is. The boy that lives close enough that if I want to see them, I can. That boy that won't judge me for over reacting to something small and could care less what I look like. Where is he? All the boys I've found lately have all turned into drama, except one, but I don't know how to feel about him, that's seriously complicated. I've never been this emotional or stupid over boys before. I hate it.
In general, what's with all the fake lately people?
So many people I know in my life have been showing a side of fake here and there. I don't like it. Maybe it's not even fake it's just stupid and I feel like saying "WTF" to these people. I know them better then that, I don't understand why they are acting so stupid.
Bleh. That's what's on my mind right now. Maybe it's dumb to you or maybe I am just acting fucking stupid myself, but I really don't think there is anyone out there right now that really understands what's going on in my head right now. (How cliche was that?)
Confused and lost
-Eric
Monday, July 12, 2010
My light shines bright
What a crazy 2 weeks this has been. I haven't had many bad things happen to me but when I did, I sure did beat it down with my light. I found someone that, whether we ever meet, makes my life and soul feel alive. I've been feeling better and better about just living everyday. My heart pumps love threw my veins.
I can't really sit here and say nothing sad hasn't happened tho. Of course in order to grow, you have to learn from something bad. I've lost a great friend of 5 years but it was time for us to go our own ways. We no longer get along. We aren't the same people we use to be. We BOTH have more growing up to do and I'm afraid that means we go our own ways. I wasn't really upset about this when it happened, and I'm still not. I knew it would come to this and that it was meant to be. All we can do is try to better ourselves in our daily lives. I know he will move on and learn from him mistakes, someday, even if that day IS 20 years from now.
Wanna know something else that happened this week!? Heehee, I let God back into my life. I really don't understand how or why I let it slip out of my life. Once I let it slip back in I felt this unbelievable weight lifted off my shoulders. All this love and warmth entered inside me. Whatever you believe or whatever you call "God" just having that faith and happiness in your life makes everything so much easier.
Ohhh! I got a good laugh and cry today! Well, I got a hater on Daily Booth. He said he was trying to be nice, but he wasn't. He called me fat and ugly. I was just so shocked. Who is he to tell me how I look? I'm happy with myself. We fought back and forth shortly... then my friends backed me up. I had SO MUCH support... I cried. I had so much love there for me. So many people care about me. I was just so overwhelmed with that joy I started crying. An unlikely friend even came to my defense. I love you all SO much!
THANK YOU KANDEE JOHNSON FOR YOU HATER TIPS. <3
Don't let the darkness get to you. We ALL have a light in us. Use it to fight off those shadows. Heehee, now I remember why I LOVE Kingdom Hearts so much.
More love then you can imagine.
-Eric
I can't really sit here and say nothing sad hasn't happened tho. Of course in order to grow, you have to learn from something bad. I've lost a great friend of 5 years but it was time for us to go our own ways. We no longer get along. We aren't the same people we use to be. We BOTH have more growing up to do and I'm afraid that means we go our own ways. I wasn't really upset about this when it happened, and I'm still not. I knew it would come to this and that it was meant to be. All we can do is try to better ourselves in our daily lives. I know he will move on and learn from him mistakes, someday, even if that day IS 20 years from now.
Wanna know something else that happened this week!? Heehee, I let God back into my life. I really don't understand how or why I let it slip out of my life. Once I let it slip back in I felt this unbelievable weight lifted off my shoulders. All this love and warmth entered inside me. Whatever you believe or whatever you call "God" just having that faith and happiness in your life makes everything so much easier.
Ohhh! I got a good laugh and cry today! Well, I got a hater on Daily Booth. He said he was trying to be nice, but he wasn't. He called me fat and ugly. I was just so shocked. Who is he to tell me how I look? I'm happy with myself. We fought back and forth shortly... then my friends backed me up. I had SO MUCH support... I cried. I had so much love there for me. So many people care about me. I was just so overwhelmed with that joy I started crying. An unlikely friend even came to my defense. I love you all SO much!
THANK YOU KANDEE JOHNSON FOR YOU HATER TIPS. <3
Don't let the darkness get to you. We ALL have a light in us. Use it to fight off those shadows. Heehee, now I remember why I LOVE Kingdom Hearts so much.
More love then you can imagine.
-Eric
Friday, June 18, 2010
I met Shane Dawson
Yes, you read right. I met Shane Dawson! It was so amazing. I never thought I would seriously ever meet him, but today I did. I'm so thankful that Sadie wanted to go shopping at the mall today and that Amber showed up before we were ready to leave and needed to go into Hot Topic.
I'm really tired, so instead of typing out the whole story, here it is as I explained it to my friend Alicia.
So. We're standing in Hot Topic. My friend Amber is talking to me. I notice this tall guy walk past me, and I think "I know that hair." So Turn around and see him. I lean in to Amber and tell her "That's Shane!" So I walk to the other side of the store and find Sadie. I tell her that "I'm freaking out, Shane dawson is here." So I point him out on the far side of the store. He's taking pictures with some stupid girls and this cute little girl. So we walk back over to Amber and talk with her about the stuff they are buying. Well Sadie gets out of line and goes to get something else. She lost her spot so we had to go to the end of the line, behind Shane. So she's looking at me and askes "What are you going to do? Going to ask for a picture?" Me: "Well, yeah, duh. It's HIM, and Alicia would KILL me!" So I took a few breathes and made myself all cute, leaning in a bit. "Shane," He turns around to me. "Could I have a picture please?" Him: "OF couse!" (Very gay like) So we take the picture and then after it's done he says "Oh, Myspace angels." and laughs a little. I was shaking so bad! So I started talking to him. "My friend Alicia likes you a lot. She has a few videos about you." Him: "Oh really, what's her name?" Me: "Alicia Fina" Him: "Okay... Alicia Fina." Me: "Yeah, I've been into YouTube since like, 2006 but I only just started making videos a few months ago." Him: "Oh, cool, what's your name?" Me: "Eric." Him: "What's your YouTube name?" Me: "Oh, Animefreakout29.'' His mom and him both laugh and she gave me a HUGE smile. Him: "Animefreakout29." Me: "I've seen you around here in your videos all the time and I'm like 'this is my mall.''' Him: "Oh really? Hahaha." I get another smile. Me: "Well thank you." I turn around and start talking to Sadie and Amber as Sadie moves up to the check out counter. As he walks past me, leaving, he taps me on my right shoulder and waves bye to me when I turn around. Me: "Thank you, bye!" and I wave back. We get out of the store and I was freaking OUT!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Prank calls
Just thought I would share my thoughts on prank calls since it's been the main topic of the day.
I was messed with a lot years back. A friends ex would call and prank call me often and kept doing it for like 2 hours straight one night. The bastard said I was calling him and pranking him a few hours prior, which isn't possible cause I never had his phone number! Then, a few years back a friend of mine's brother who didn't like me thought it would be fun to call me and leave me a death threat on my phone. So, when it comes to prank calls, I don't mess around or play games. I know where it can go. I don't do well with that stuff. I get to freaked out. I think of the worst possible thing happening.
Be safe everyone.
-Eric
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