This is the time when I would be laying in my bed listening to music with dim lighting just staring at the walls of my room. Oh yeah, I can't do that though. I don't have my own room let alone a minute of privacy or time to myself living here. What has me so down you may be asking and why don't I just vlog all of this? Well, I can't vlog it, like I said, no privacy and a few things have me feeling this way.
Let's start with my 'life' situation.
It's now been a year to the day that I quite my job to move to Maryland. What a stupid mistake. At the time it was the best thing ever, but now that I am living back in California and went through 3Grand, I see how horrible of an Idea it was to move all the way to the East Coast. I miss it there, it was beautiful, the people were so nice, but it was never going to be home, it could never come close to Los Angeles. Now, here I sit, a year later, still jobless, poor and living off my mom. Now, in most cases or even a few years back, this woulda been fine, but my mom has been sick and off work most of the past year and half... That means less money and of course we have the girls to take care of, so I can't get money all the time as if I was the only kid here... but that's a WHOLE other story and I haven't been the only child for 8 years now.
This brings me to my next point though.
Because I gave up my job and have been unable to find a new one, both because jobs are hard to find right now and because I have no confidence in myself and my ability to keep a job once I got one, I have no money of my own. So, going out with my friends means I don't eat, drink or do the activity with everyone. Well, I do have great friends that don't mind paying for me, and I think that's wonderful, I love them for that. I feel like such a mooch and piece of shit for it though. And though they say they don't mind I know they have to get annoyed with it, I get annoyed with it. They say it's okay and that they want me to be able to hang out with them, but little comments here and there kinda indicate to me that they don't really like having to pay for me ALL the time. Sorry I haven't found a job yet and that my mom can't give me enough money for things, all the time. If I could change it all I would. If I could go back to last August and never move away, I would. That would suck for my closest friend though. She got my old job and it's been so good for her, more money and great experience, so, that's a plus right? I think so. She needed it more then me, but now here I stand. Jobless. Scum feeling. I just wonder what people REALLY say about me when I'm not around. I know they have to say something. We ALL do it, talk about people in our lives when they aren't around. I'm not saying it's all bad talk either, just talk about them in general. I just feel like the biggest loser right now. I'm just staying home. Not going anywhere. Not seeing anyone. I can't afford it. I've been on the go so much the past 10 months anyways, I could use a week or so at home.
Why are my friends angry at me then?
I don't know if they really are upset with me or not, but it's not like I'm avoiding them, I'm still talking to them. I'm just not in the mood to see them. If you are my friend, you would understand, right? Thanks. Don't get upset with me and assume things then, and maybe you aren't, but I'm kinda fragile right now and the littlest thing is kind of going to break me down. Just knowing that you ARE there for me is all I need. If I needed you I would call you, for sure. I just need a good, deep conversation with someone who is going to be completely non-judgmental and just listen to me. I'm so grateful for the people like that, that I do have. I sure know it ain't the boys who say they 'care.'
Boy, men, guys... Whatever you call them, they are all assholes.
They might act great at some point but then they turn all stupid. You have to dig through a pile of stupid to find the winner at the bottom. I need that one, the winner. I need the boy that will love me and listen to me no matter what time of night it is. The boy that lives close enough that if I want to see them, I can. That boy that won't judge me for over reacting to something small and could care less what I look like. Where is he? All the boys I've found lately have all turned into drama, except one, but I don't know how to feel about him, that's seriously complicated. I've never been this emotional or stupid over boys before. I hate it.
In general, what's with all the fake lately people?
So many people I know in my life have been showing a side of fake here and there. I don't like it. Maybe it's not even fake it's just stupid and I feel like saying "WTF" to these people. I know them better then that, I don't understand why they are acting so stupid.
Bleh. That's what's on my mind right now. Maybe it's dumb to you or maybe I am just acting fucking stupid myself, but I really don't think there is anyone out there right now that really understands what's going on in my head right now. (How cliche was that?)
Confused and lost
-Eric
No comments:
Post a Comment